The Best Butternut Squash Soup EVAR

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I like my soup sweet and thick, like my men. If you are looking for something more savory, look elsewhere. If you want the best butternut squash soup you’ve ever tasted, do what I tell you.

INGREDIENTS

1 butternut squash

2 carrots

1 granny smith or other sour cooking apple. (I’ve made this with regular apples too because I had them lying around. It works, but trust me, one of the sour cooking apples makes it waaaaayyyy better.)

1/2 sweet onion

1/2 cup maple syrup, or more if you wanna. (And for serious, use real maple syrup, not that fake corn syrup crap. If you don’t know the difference, look at the label. If it says anything other than “100% pure maple syrup” don’t use it. And yes, real maple syrup is more expensive. Suck it up, buttercup.)

Buncha cinnamon. I usually just shake it in til it feels done, but if you’re the sort that needs measurements I’d go with 2 teaspoons.

Pinch of nutmeg

3-4 cups of chicken or vegetable broth. I use 3 because I like my soups thick, like my lovers, but if you like thinner soups use 4. You be you.

Coarse Sea salt, to taste, at least 1tsp in the soup, at least 1 tblsp in the breadcrumbs.

All the butter, no, MORE butter

Breadcrumbs

 

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 425F or 220C.

1) Chase lover around with squash, pretending it is your penis. This step not strictly necessary but highly recommended.

2) Cut the squash in half with a machete or a guillotine or axe wedge or whatever. (If you manage to do it with a kitchen knife please link me to youtube video.)

3) Dig out the seeds with a spoon (it hurts more).

4) Place face up in baking dish. Rub a stick of butter all over the flesh. Lube that bitch like you’re having anal sex for the second time and you forgot to use lube the first time and aren’t going to make that mistake again.

5) Cut the granny smith into small cubes and dump them in the holes in the squash. It’s okay if they don’t all fit. Not everything fits in every hole no matter how much lube you use. Set them aside and we’ll deal with them later. Sprinkle a little cinnamon and a little nutmeg on top of the apples and top them with a pat of butter.

6) Put in oven and bake for an hour. If your squash is particularly large, it may take longer. No need to brag about it.

7) While your squash is baking, cut carrots and onion into tiny pieces and throw them all together in a bowl with your leftover apples. Let them hang out together while your squash finishes cooking. Who knows what might happen? (Note: DO NOT give them butter.)

8) Mix 1 cup of breadcrumbs and 1-2 tablespoons of sea salt.

9) Melt 4 tblsp of butter in a small saucepan over medium heat until it starts to brown.

10) Fry breadcrumb/salt mixture in butter until it too, starts to brown. Make sure all crumbs are coated in butter. If there are still dry breadcrumbs in your pan you either need to mix more or add more butter.

11) Spread salty buttery greasy breadcrumbs on a paper towel and put aside to cool.

12) Go play minecraft for a while. Build a really cool redstone circuit and tell me about it in the comments.

13) Take your squash out of the oven and make sure you can scoop the flesh out with a spoon. If not, put it back in the oven for like 20 minutes. If you can scoop out the flesh with a spoon, put your squash on the counter and go finish your redstone circuit while it cools.

14) When your squash is cool and your circuit is finished, heat a tablespoon of butter on medium heat in a large pot. Other recipes will instruct you to use a saucepan and less butter but this is stupid because there is never enough room for soup in the saucepan and more butter is always better. Just use a big pot and a big chunk of butter.

15) When the butter is melted and hot, dump your veggies and leftover apples in it and saute til the onions are translucent and the apples are soft. I don’t know how the carrots should be. It’s hard to get carrots to talk about their feelings. Just cook them with the other things. It’s probably okay.

16) Sprinkle the rest of the cinnamon over these veggies and stir. Add more cinnamon or nutmeg at this point if it makes you happy. If you don’t know what a mouthful of cinnamon tastes like, put a spoonful in your mouth before improvising. It will help you make a better decision.

17) Scoop out the apples and the soft squash flesh from the skin of the squash. I use an ice cream scoop or a spoon, but hell, you can do it with your hands if you want to. Aren’t you glad you spent all that time playing minecraft so this squash could cool off?

18) Dump the apples and buttery soft stringy squash flesh into the pot with the rest of the veggies and stuff.

19) Add broth, stir. Bring to a boil then reduce to simmer and let simmer for 20 minutes. Don’t you have some crafting to do?

20) Remove from heat and stir til bubbling stops.

21) Add heavy cream and maple syrup and a pinch of sea salt. I arbitrarily decided my soup needed a little more cream, but if you use all the cream you can’t put it in your coffee for the rest of the week. Life is about compromises, man.

22) Dump half of the pot into your blender. Put top on, but loosen the little plug in the lid so that it is just sitting on the top but not sealed. Boyles law applies here. Don’t let physics hurt you today.

23) Holding lid plug for initial blend, hit the Puree button. Vent heat until the soup settles down into a nice tidy blend spiral. Puree for about 3 minutes. Check facebook on your phone or something. OMG you’ll never guess these 10 healthy foods that actually make you fat! (Hint, 7 of them are in the ingredients list of this recipe.)

24) Pour blended soup into some large intermediary container and puree the rest of the soup mix from the pot.

25) Now the pot is empty. Rinse it so that no chunky ingredients sticking to the side disrupt the perfect velvety smooth blend of your soup. Dry pot and dump all the now-hella-blended soup back in it.

26) Taste soup. Is it delicious? If not, fuck off. My soup is glorious and you must have fucked it up somehow. I guess it’s okay to adjust a few things now like salt and cream and maple syrup and more chicken broth if it’s too thick for you. I may have dumped in half the bottle of maple syrup, but I’m a lunatic who likes to drink pie. If you like your soup to not taste like dessert, I guess you shouldn’t do that.

27) Serve topped with salty buttery breadcrumbs. If you don’t like cream in your coffee (you heathen) I guess you could also whip up the rest of the heavy cream and serve with a dollop of cream. If that’s your thing.

28) Comment here and tell me how awesome my soup is.

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